remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
