Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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