And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
