Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
