I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
