On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
