Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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