Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
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My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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