I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
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Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
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At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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