Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
