why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You're a waste of cheezeits
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
