You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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