Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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