you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
