dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
