btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
In America we eat man semen.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Enjoy the penises
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
