when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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