I wish my penis had an off switch
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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