So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
my poor anus
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
