just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
