All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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