Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
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My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
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When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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