Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
