Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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