i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
