you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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