Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
