Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
