I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
