I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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