i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My vagina is very pro this idea
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
