oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I will pee on everything he values.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
