just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
