we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
