I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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