tell your sister to shave her snatch
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
