"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
