Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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