Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
