Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
