My hand turned me down
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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