I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
my liver is dry heaving
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
