The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
And then the night went full on bisexual.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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