Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
