I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
