i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
