I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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