he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
