Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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