Your dad touched me again.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
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The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
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I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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