It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
