Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
My cat gives me a boner
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
