I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You need Xanax blowdarts
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
