drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
