btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
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